Scientists On Verge Of Making 'Fetch' Happen

On Tuesday morning, the nation’s scientists announced that they had achieved a monumental breakthrough in their nearly two decades-long attempt to make “fetch” happen.

“We’re closer now than ever before,” said lead researcher on the project, Randie Knucklebaum. “After years of being told that it’s not going to happen, there are now real reasons to be optimistic.”

Scientists have been trying for years fo find the the correct ratio of sincerity to irony that could be applied to “fetch” in a way that could cause it to happen on a large, society-wide scale, but were never able to find success with that narrow approach.

What they were missing, according to the results of recent studies, was timing.

“Scientists are notriously bad at proper timing,” said language expert Dicky Bloads. “They have almost no concept of it, even in a mathematical sense. I’ve doubted their ability to make ‘fetch’ happen from the beginning.”

Armed with a new strategy, however, many in the scientific community think we’re right on the doorstep of making “fetch” happen.

“It’s not going to happen overnight,” conceded Ms. Nucklebaum. “It would be pretty fetch if it did, but we have to be realistic about the timetable. There’s a right tone, and there’s a right time, we just have to find them.”

Following Ms. Nucklebaum’s use of "fetch,” experts agreed that, even with the latest breakthroughs, it’s still clearly a long way off from happening.